It's been a decade since you passed away. Yeah, man. 10 years. My bro got married to Amy. They have a daughter and a son on the way. Katie got married, too. She has a son and a daughter. All of their kids would be crazy about you. I'm a teacher now, on some crazy island in the middle of nowhere. Something tells me that if you were alive you'd have beat me to this place...
It's tough to write this and not get emotionally charged. It still hurts to think about you and the night you decided to take your own life. I can still hear every car hitting that pothole just north of your house. Red lights flashing. Dumb Cops. An ambulance. My dad telling me that you didn't make it. People pouring into Helen Court. At first we didn't believe it, then we bawled our eyes out, wondering what we were going to do without you. I'm still not sure whether I hate you or I commend you for that moment. In that moment we were confronted with not only your mortality but ours as well. After all, if someone like you threw 3/4 of their life away, the rest of us had to pick up the slack, right?
Ten years ago the world lost more than a son. It lost more than a brother. It lost more than a cousin/nephew/buddy/friend. It lost a true, honest-to-god unique spirit, and for that we all suffer. It may not have dawned on you at the time but people looked up to you and held you in the highest of regard. I could go on and on about the people whose lives were lessened that day, however this isn't about them. It's about you.
We miss hanging out with you.
We miss seeing you bust into the front door of a party wearing some random mask and doing a crazy dance.
We miss the level-headed conversations with you.
We miss the crazy hair, the uber-white teeth, and the khakis.
We miss your willingness to pick us up in the middle of the night because we did something stupid and you're the only one we can count on.
We miss you.
Ten years ago you chose to move on. You might be in a different world right now. A different body. You might be none of the above. But there is no chance that the memory of you is gone. I have thought about you every day since you left, and so has anyone who knew you. Some of us got tattoos of your initials on our arms and backs and legs. Others have permanent heartbreak in lieu of the ink. There's one thing that we can all agree on: This world would have been a hell of alot more fun with you here.
There are some who haven't made it for these ten years. Your mom passed away a few years after you did. If there's a heaven I'm sure she slapped you upside the head when she got there. I'm also sure that she made sure you and Crossfield were at the gate to greet Jake when he showed up over the weekend. I sincerely hope that all of you are having a drink and laughing at the crazy world we "live" in.
Ten years. I have no idea what your life would look like now if you'd stayed with us. Then again, I'd have no idea what my life would have looked like if you'd stayed. Most people like to chalk up tragedies to the age-old wisdom of "things happen for a reason", but in your case I'd like to see reason fail. I'd like to see what life would be like with you alive. That's just me being selfish, I guess.
Rest In Peace, Michael Joseph Hogen. We miss you and we love you more than you know.
-Steve
