Ho-Tel, Mo-Tel, Holiday Inn

Another Christmas has come and gone, only this time I spent part of it at the beach. As 90%+ of Saipan is Catholic, I wasn't the only one celebrating on 12/25. Christmas lights adorn random markets up and down the main roads. Makeshift Christmas "trees" (see: wire and lights in the shape of a fir) are displayed in some businesses and in front of churches. I spent the day and evening with Emily, Andy, and Molly (Andy's girlfriend from DULUTH!). After exchanging a few gifts Emily and I made spaghetti for dinner. Now, garlic bread is the Blue Magic Heroin of side items in my mind, so I decided to prepare a bastardized version of it by using sliced bread, butter, and garlic powder. Upon arriving at the store I saw the proverbial "two birds/one stone" opportunity staring me in the face: Star Garlic-Flavored margarine from the Philippines. I grabbed the tub ($1.69!) from the cooler and made my way home. As I am sans-microwave on Saipan I figured it was best to set the tub on my counter while preparing the rest of the meal, thus the margarine would soften up to a spreadable-state. Ten minutes later I was ready to place the bread in the oven. The tub was opened and I dug in with a knife. Rather, I TRIED to dig in with a knife. I'm relatively certain that Star Garlic-Flavored margarine was used by the Masons in lieu of bricks and/or mortar back in the day. That isn't to say it tasted bad, however, as what I was able to scrape off the top of the oleo puck melted nicely and gave the bread a bit of flavor. I'm not sure a microwave would do the trick...they can use this stuff to patch me up next time my lung collapses (what up Nurse Amy!).

Oh yeah...the picture. Horses on the driving range? Horses on the driving range. God bless Saipan.

I had another chance to go to Managaha yesterday. This is the honest-to-god process for getting there:

-Talk to as many locals as possible to find out where tickets can be procured

-Find unmarked road with an unmarked building at the end of it

-Press the button at the door to state your business

-Show Identification and make reservation

-Bring reservation copy and ID to unmarked dock at the end of an unmarked road (Andy, Molly, and I stopped at several docks only to be told we needed to go to the dock on "the other side". The other side of what? No one seemed to know.

-Arrive 30 minutes early (12:30 arrival, 1:00 boat departure)

-Show reservation copy and ID to boat employees

-Depart a full half hour behind schedule

All of this for a 7 minute boat ride. Welcome to the island!

The above photo is of a Latte stone, which were used back in the day by inhabitants of Guam and the Northern Mariana Islands as foundation for their homes. While almost no homes are currently propped up by Lattes (LAH-TEES), the stone itself is the main symbol of Chamorro culture and is therefore omnipresent on Saipan. Everything from license plates to campaign signs to T-shirts is adorned with a Latte. Managaha was awesome as usual. I got some snorkeling in and took some decent shots of a school of needlefish. If you can't enlarge the photo on here you should check it out on my Facebook:

Talking, Skyping, and emailing with friends and family back home reminds me of how much I miss Minnesota. When I received things I seriously needed out here to improve my quality of life (ipod dock, new wife-beater tank tops, beef jerky) from my family it meant so much more than I had anticipated. I definitely missed seeing my family, especially my nieces and nephew. To Crash, Bug, and E-Unit: your strange gifts from Saipan will be there soon.

That isn't to say I missed everything that comes along with Christmas. While I wish I would have been able to make it to family functions and the always-eventful Xmas Eve night at The Winchester, it was very nice to not be accosted by bell-ringers at every door I walk into. It was nice to have a built-in reason to not attend "Ugly Sweater" parties and "12 Bars Of Christmas ZOMGSOMEGUYISGONNADRESSUPASZOMBIECLAUS!"-type events. Jesus Christ White People: Let's move on, shall we?

BONUS ROUND!

-Island moment of the week: Six people were riding together in the back of a small Mazda pickup. One man playing ukelele, the other five singing songs at the top of their lungs. All adults. I have to hand it to the locals on Saipan: They have mass transit figured out.

-No contract yet for the college professor job, but if there's one thing I know about this place it's that I shouldn't be concerned. In all likelihood I will get a call 15 minutes before the start of the first class period..."Uh...Mr. Jents? Are you teaching today?"

-The sunset photo above was taken from a spot in my yard where Lito (Filipino Maintenance Man Extraordinaire) is constructing a gazebo. I guess it will be screened in to keep the bugs out and have a low-standing table in the middle (Japanese-style). Vegas just took the odds off the board for the "How soon after the gazebo is finished will Steve pass out in it?" bet.

-I am 99.9% sure I'm going to win a fantasy football league even though the season started when I was 7,000 miles away. WE'RE GOING TO THE HAMPTONS!

Until the next one...

15 Degrees North Parallel > 20 Inches Of Snow

It's easy to sit back and laugh when I see pics from home. 20 inches of snow, high temps in the single digits, light showing through the tears in the roof of the Metrodome. I suppose this is where I should start saying that even though I'm in Paradise, I miss "the seasons". That would be a lie. 80 degrees every day is underrated in every way. My car starts, I wear shorts, and I can take a dip in the ocean to get shots like the one above. Click on it and it should give you a larger photo...check out the Sand Camo Fish! I have no idea what they're actually called, but they will sit absolutely still when you get near them, only to spaz out en masse and swim in 20 different directions before finding another place to chill. The underwater camera was a good purchase, and I'm going to try my hand at getting some video at some point. With the current it's difficult to keep it completely still...here's hoping I don't end up with 15 minutes of "Blair Witch"-style footage of non-descript coral formations.

Big news on the job front: I picked up a second job at the local college (Northern Marianas College) teaching "The Dynamics of Substance Abuse". I landed the job after a six minute phone conversation with the guy in charge of recruiting, and I'll be starting sometime in January. Seriously, a six minute phone call:

NMC Guy: "Is this Steve?"

Me: "Yes it is"

NMC Guy: "I saw that you were interested in teaching as an adjunct professor at NMC"

Me: "That's correct"

(five minutes of chatter about my education and work history)

NMC Guy: "Ok! Well, you should probably get an application in to the college. Meet with me sometime before Christmas so I can get you the textbook and we'll go from there"

I was a bit confused at the time as it seemed as though I had pretty much gotten the offer already. I turned the application in the next day and went to NMC Guy's office to say hello and let him know I had officially thrown my hat in the ring.

NMC Guy: "Welcome Aboard!"

Me: "Soooo...that's it? I'm your guy?"

NMC Guy: "Yep!"

Say it with me one more time: God Bless Saipan. The gig will pay me enough to fly home this summer, and after looking at the textbook it appears as though it will be an easy class. Indeed, the knowledge of drugs I gleaned through my formative years in the NSP will be put to good use. I'll keep you posted on any developments, however for right now it seems I will be Professor Jents from 5:00 to 6:25pm on Mondays and Wednesdays. Not to say that being a high school teacher isn't great and rewarding and all of those warm words that compensate for the lack of a decent income, however I feel like my elementary school teachers would sleep a bit easier knowing that they produced a teacher at the post-secondary level. Slainte.

Ask for underwater photos and you shall receive (what's up Uncle Gerry). I know I've been drilling the "you seriously have to be here to see this shit" point into your eyes on this blog over and over again, but...you seriously have to be here to see this shit. A quick dunk of your head underwater coupled with a scuba mask and you are in a Disney movie. Once you realize that none of the fish want anything to do with you beyond their initial curiosity, you can start moving about, hovering just far enough below the surface to reduce the sun's glare. Buoyancy is a non-issue for the most part, as salt water does a much better job than it's fresh counterpart in keeping you afloat. This is a good thing, as my swimming skills fall somewhere in between "staying alive" and "Michael Phelps after six bong hits". I'm not sure you can enlarge the above photo, but if you look closely enough you can see color-crayon yellow and blue fish among the coral. If there's a color out there you can imagine, there's a fish out here that is covered in it.

I've started teaching my students Sociology...wow. There's a huge disconnect between what the kids out here know and what I'm used to in The States. Just going over small ideas like social class and status symbols is difficult as the only window they have into the Western world is MTV. Social classes on Saipan, for the most part, are determined by ethnicity first and last name second. Camacho, Sablan, Tenorio, Dela Cruz: You're doing ok. If you're Filipino, Chinese, Bangladeshi, etc: You'd better be good at fixing things. Regardless, it's been a fun transition and I hope my students leave J-102 with a better understanding of the world.

I know, I know...another sunset pic. I'm posting them for posterity, and also when I eventually move home and want to see them again in proper context.

BONUS ROUND!!!

-Neighbor Dude Harry dropped off a few dozen brown coconuts last week. Brown coconuts are much sweeter and carry more flavorful milk that the green ones I have gotten used to, which is actually saying something. It's crazy to see tropical fruit as it should be...I'm not sure if I can make a fair comparison, but I'll give it a go. Tropical fruit from the tree = Surly Beer. Tropical fruit you get at Cub Foods: The Miller Lite that's been in the back of your fridge since July 4th.

-If you haven't already, add me on Skype...my user name is sjents. I've been talking to more and more people recently and it's been great to catch up. I will absolutely take you on a tour of my place and show you the view. I think I'm up to 15 or 16 Eff You's at this point when I flip the Mac around so people can see the ocean from my apartment. Hey, it's not my fault you live in the frozen tundra!

-If I travel over Christmas break it will be to the islands of Yap and Chuuk (Federated States of Micronesia). Not sure if I'll be able to make the dough work out, however you'd best believe I'll get some photos if I make it out there.

-I hope you still believe me when I say that it's never too late to become a fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Plenty of room on the bandwagon...watch out for all of those Super Bowl rings.

-Awesome island moment of the day: I was driving with Andy and saw something that, while not shocking in Saipan, would be considered insane in The States. Apparently 6 people needed to get somewhere in a sub-compact car (it looked like an old Plymouth Horizon). 4 people were seated in the vehicle, and the other two were...well...standing on the back bumper and were leaning over the back windshield and roof of the car as it was driving, hanging on for their lives. At 30mph. Down one of the two main roads on the island. In broad daylight. Somehow it didn't seem strange at the time. Again, one's considerations regarding safety shift quite a bit after living here for awhile. Instead of "OHMYGODTHEY'RECRAZYWESHOULDDOSOMETHING!", people kind of honked and waved as they passed the car...kind of like a "I've been THERE before!" gesture. Good times.

Some things just don't know when to quit:

I give up.

Until the next one...

Trying To Drown A Crocodile

At long last...representing my area code. $3.30 spent at Ace Hardware, 5 minutes of labor, and voila: I now live in apartment Six-Five-One. But enough of that, we have work to do.

It's been an odd week or so since my last post. School has been amazing, as I am wrapping up Psychology class (more on that later) and am transitioning my students into Sociology, a subject I am much more familiar with. Still no definite word on what my role will be here next semester, and you cannot swing a cat at Marianas High School without running into all kinds of speculation. Most folks seem to think the Alternative Education program won't exist until next year...we'll see what happens.

The last week has been taxing on my personal possessions. I was a victim of theft for the first time on the island when a pair or my sunglasses were snatched from my car as I laid at the beach. Reason to be bummed out: They were my favorite and most effective sunglasses to use while riding a motorcycle. Reason to not be bummed out: I left my windows down and my car unlocked. Exactly...my own damn fault. It definitely served as a quick reminder that while everyone seems to be all smiles on Saipan, there are still kids that will go through your shit when you're not around. I'm confident that it was a kid, as he took a $75 pair of Anon sunglasses and left two multitools ($140 total) and a nice flashlight sitting in my car. No biggie, it's a small island and I'll see those shades on someone soon enough. Can't wait. Regardless, it doesn't end there:

-Another pair of sunglasses (The Ray-Ban Aviators...cue "Taps") bit the dust as they fell from my shirt pocket at school and the right lens cracked. I simply pushed the lens out of the frame and continued to wear them for the rest of the day, sans one lens. As I've mentioned before, the kids out here are very excitable, and I drew a few dozen comments, ranging from "Solid look!", to "MISTER! YOUR GLASSES ARE BROKEN!".

-The Camry suffered a flat tire last night, and as I opened the trunk this morning to begin the busted-knuckle endeavor of using a stock car jack to change the tire, I was overcome with equal parts confusion and joy: The spare was a full size tire. A few F bombs and grass stains later, I have 4 working tires. I'll get around to getting the spare replaced at some point. I will. Seriously. One of these days.

-Two of my T-shirts (The one that says "I Run My Block" and a light blue Twins shirt I bought at Target Field) fell victim last week to inconsistent water quality (see: chlorine) at the drop-off laundry place in Garapan. The lady that does my laundry was flinching before she even told me what had happened. Maybe she's tasted plenty of backhand due to substandard laundry service...who knows. Regardless, she just about nominated me for sainthood after I shrugged my shoulders and said "Well, shit happens I guess. Try not to let it happen again" before picking up the hamper and leaving. I saw her today and she was extremely gracious once again. I need to start working on getting some free laundry out of the deal. About a month ago I attempted to pick up my laundry before it was done, and Laundry lady let me have it. It's almost impossible to replicate the sound with words, however if you can imagine a 51 year-old Asian lady screaming "IT'S NOT DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!" at 135 decibels, you're getting close. "EEEESNOTDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHN" is about right.

But enough of that...no one likes a whiner, especially one enjoying 78 degree weather (with a breeze, suckas!) on December 4th.

That would be the entirety of my Psychology class. Like any other group of teenagers there's quite a few characters, and example #1 in my class is Johnnie. Johnnie says that he either wants to be an adult film star or an exotic dancer when he gets older. He's the one on the right with the grey shirt and plaid shorts. I tried telling him that he's not good-looking enough for either of his vocational pursuits, however I was rebuffed with a quick shake of his head before he said "But Mister, I'm ALREADY good looking". On Saipan "already" means "obvious", I think. Like, "I'm already in nice weather, I live in Saipan". Very odd. I took my class across campus to Andy's Biology class yesterday to conduct an experiment in Social Psychology. We presented "New Cheerios" to them and built up the fact that they would be the first people in the world to try them. Of course, we simply poured regular Cheerios into cups labeled "Original Cheerios" and "New Cheerios", however they were none the wiser. After our mole in the operation ate the "New Cheerios" in front of the class and gushed about how great they were, we turned them loose. After we collected the surveys we gave them (signed by Alphonzse "Ace" Chicago, the fictional Senior Vice President of General Mills' International Marketing Department) we collected the data and saw that 75% of the kids said they preferred the "New Cheerios" to the original ones. I took video of me revealing the secret to the 35 or so kids in the class...it's hilarious because you can see that some kids understand right away what happened, and others are confused until I say the words "both cups contained the EXACT SAME THING". Then: Lightbulbs and embarrassment. Great times, and I'll get the video up on the blog when I figure out how to do it.

Rule #1 of being a Gecko: If your tail gets chopped off, don't hide underneath a refrigerator. I swept this bad boy out a few days ago. For perspective, those are 12" x 12" tiles. In other lizard news, there are two or three Emerald Tree Monitor Lizards chilling in a pile of downed reeds/coconut tree branches/various wood behind my apartment building. Locals call them "Hilitai" (Heel-eee-Tye), and they are much more coordinated and cool to watch than Geckos. Honestly, living in Saipan is like being in the middle of a "Planet Earth" episode. Most of the time it's fantastic, however when you're driving your beat-up Camry up a rocky driveway at 1:45 in the morning and you feel something crawling on your leg and you can't see it (no interior lights) and you can feel that it weighs WAAAY more than a mosquito, you start re-evaluating shit real quick. "Are they 100% sure there aren't any poisonous bugs or lizards here", "Is that thing stationary, or is it crawling up my leg", "If I slap it in an attempt to kill it, will it bite me 75 times, undoubtedly leading to me crashing my car into a mango tree?". One must take a deep breath and leave it be, as in almost all cases the critter will find something more interesting to perch on. Still, though...it's a decent adrenaline rush for ten seconds.

BONUS ROUND!

-As the above sign illustrates, the concept of pluralization completely escapes folks out here. Saipan treats the letter 'S' like most amateur chefs treat basil...it's almost never used at the proper times. The photo was taken at Lauren's old apartment building and she has since move into the apartment between me and Andy. She lives in apartment 602 (Phoenix's area code), and she has introduced us to a southwestern delicacy which goes by the name of Bill Johnson's BBQ sauce. Get on it.

-More food? Why not? Poki has been a true find...it's a Polynesian/Micronesian dish consisting of slightly seared ahi tuna, some sort of teriyaki/soy/peanut sauce, and sesame seeds. A plate/bowl of this stuff disappears in short time, so get your fork/chopsticks/fingers ready when it comes out.

-Appetizers are called "chasers" here. I'm not sure what to make of this yet, but it's fantastic when a waitress drops a bowl of salted-in-the-shell peanuts on your table (!) and tells you to "enjoy your chaser". Right on.

-There's a public cat which has spent a few nights on Andy's balcony, opting to sleep in his camping chair vs. the jungle. If he sticks around for a sizeable portion of next week we may adopt him with triple joint custody being shared between Andy, myself, and Lauren. Also, there's a relatively newborn public puppy near my place and I may nab it at some point. We'll see.

Until next time...